I whispered I love you my sweet angel baby,& Marilyn responds w/ a raise of an eye brow & a smile..which brings me back to where I left off.

due to early contractions, i followed my Dr's order to go to labor in delivery. This is where it all began to take my smile away, no matter how hard I tried. I'm sure those good o'l "pregnancy hormones" didn't help.or the job that proves to be very demanding, and challenging at times. Maybe it will be good to know a little about me, and who I am, perhaps it would make better sense as to why I have began this journey with Marilyn, using all the strength and might I had.  And why my strength has been tried and tested..and almost to where I feel ran dry. I am a very very blessed mommy of now 5 with Marilyn. I suppose I have to give my husband a little of credit here too, after all he  too is very very blessed to be daddy of his five babies, and have me as his wife :) . We are a blessed family.
I supervise 2 Group homes working with Adults with developmental disabilities and mental illnesses. I wont ramble on about what on some weeks is a nightmare of a job,Ill sum it up like this. Its challenging, and at many times very rewarding..Its demanding of me as a person, and the challenges presented are far greater then my desire. Im on call 24/7 unless im out on PTO..I cant wait for vacation,and when Im on vacation i cant stop thinking about work.


So of course I have skipped a lot of detail..anymore, Im surprised I remember anything, But to make a long beginning short, due to Marilyns HR and my Calcified- Grade 3 placenta, and diagnosis of Olgio- whatever it was, (Low fluids) I was in and out of the hospital, missing my children, missing my husband who had to be gone to care for our children.He rocked by the way, he had it under control, while he had me on the phone with him, every second he wasn't there with me, lol, but he proved to me when its time to step up, he steps up! Skip skip skip lots of parts again.....
Many many tests were performed to find answers to the above complications, meanwhile I was being monitored doing the NST and bio physical tests. Ultrasound measures baby being small and the possibility of not having mature lungs. Wells lets just say when it comes to ultrasounds predicting weight, it hasn't always proved to be accurate with my babies. A few days before i end up having Marilyn( I was scheduled to be induced a week & a half away from then) My Dr came in while I was doing my routine bi daily NST and such. He tells me that he received results of the testing. There it was a "answer" to why the complications, a huh to me? CMV aka Cytomegolvirus,its spelled something like that. And there it was as I instantly google CMV..and began to read. My heart felt like it was in my feet, what are the chances, what is it, why me, why why why why right?! I have a aunt who has taught me that knowledge is power. So I read and read and read everything I could find about it, until I couldn't read any of it any more. Dr said a small percent of babies are actually born infected, and spoke of the different symptoms of it, for lack of better words. My husband and I prayed and prayed and layed together at night holding or hands on my belly. I think its worthy of noting, my husband and I have never prayed together in all these years. A week before I was scheduled to be induce My AFI was so low that the Dr's were forced to induce me. I called my husband quickly and told him its happening today. We were scared the Dr's did there job in preparing us for what could be. Before hooking me up to the monitors the Dr ( not my dr , known the women 25 minutes) tells me your babies not gonna like this, where gonna induce and see what she does..you should be prepared to have to a Cesarean if the baby starts not doing too well. For the first time on the day I was giving birth to my child I was scared..I cant describe what I was I was feeling worn out and full of anxiety. AND the thought of a Cesarean wasn't working for me, nope didn't want it, I was telling myself it will be okay. My husband finally got our other babies situated and cared for and arrives. Im making slow progress..as I stare at the monitor reading it making sure everything was still okay. (of course after all them weeks being hooked to monitors, I actually learned a lot) Marilyn kept going off the monitor which in return would cause an increase in MY HR when she would disappear off of there. Nurse would come running in and get her back on it, and then I could feel my heart beating in my chest again. My mama and little sister arrived(as they have yet to have missed any of my deliveries, except they end up missing this one.) Since things were going good, my Husband leaves to go get Panda express for dinner,(progress was moving slow)...its at the corner of the street from the hospital, thankfully. while he was gone the dr came in and said she was going to break my water and get things moving...and then discovers Marilyns not where shes supposed to be. Immediately she brings the ultrasound machine in to confirm I had to have a Cesarean, that its okay she knows I don't want it but its the best things for the baby and the safest, and its not an emergency. I think my little sister called my husband before the dr got all the words out her mouth. He called his parents, both of them less then 5 minutes away. I swear before I could even wipe my tears and except this has to happen this way, with my last baby?! they were "moving very quickly" into the room, they being many people all with smiling faces as they start to prepare me to go to surgery. Of course my husbands squeezing my hand off at this point and telling me over and over am I oay, it will be ok.... i wanted to scream..and cry no Im not ,Im scared,Im scared for Marilyn, is this all really happening. Weve always had beautiful happy babies from the moment they took there first breaths.Why the breathing machines and millions of people surrounding me(so it felt like millions) wheeling me to the ob/surgery..........

To be continued

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Going back to the very beginning..........

As the ultrasound tech went to speak the words"its a girl" I  interrupt just knowing in my heart from the beginning... "its my girl Marilyn  Faith." I would dream of a beautiful little girl so angelic and precious, her name came to me with very little thought.  I began buying pink before a ultrasound would even confirm its a girl. I am not a mother that desired so much to have a little girl for the 1st time...she was going to be my 4th little girl, my 5th baby! But when the ultra sound tech confirmed what my heart new, It was a instant love, and bond far greater then I can find words too describe, I knew just who I was loving, I had such BIG dreams for her already...she had a name, and beautiful face that I could vision.I wasn't the only thrilled one, so was daddy and all her soon to be big sisters, and big brother. At 4months pregnant Each day became the anxious wait to hold and kiss our sweet dear baby Marilyn,my biggest thought was "I just want her to be here, to hold her to love her and adore her" ........I visioned just what its always been, a long day of labor and a vaginal birth to then be holding a beautiful healthy precious life!Spend the mandated 24 hours in the hospital and  then going home to began living our life as a bigger, healthy happy  family..............................................
Not this time, the story began to go so different as soon as my 3rd trimester hit.As I sit here and type and think it all out from the beginning the tears fill up in my eyes.....little did I know that our baby's coming into this world would change me as a person,as a mother, and my gratitude for life....forever.

Marilyns true journey began at 28 weeks gestation, and my  life presented me with a hole new reality.
To be continued~

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